This past year has been crazy. Literally. It has been a roller coaster of emotion, luck, advancement, loss, growth, and learning. Just when my world would spin so far out of control I thought I would completely combust into fireworks everything would cease....and just when I seemed to balance myself, life always pulled the carpet from under my feet. Thats the type of year 2010 has been. This year has really been the final jenga piece to topple the tower of the last five years, I must say.
The main thing I learned is this...life doesn't always work out the way you would like it to. A simple enough statement? Yes, but to truly grasp it... it truly is a lot to take in. You work toward something for years, believe your life is headed in one direction, always imagined yourself in one place and suddenly everything changes...
People who you thought would always be there, are not..
People lie to you...
You realize those who you thought you knew, you never did...
You realize you dont know yourself...
With every tear that falls a lesson is learned. You are stronger than you were before. Learn to read between the lines. So many times the answer is right infront of you. Never let anyone know just how smart you are and only let someone in when you are sure they are worth it. However, that does not mean you can not fully embrace them. It's okay to move on and leave things behind.
No one deserves to be lied to, screamed at, used, be unhappy or feel unworthy.
Life doesnt always work out the way you would like it to.....and it's okay.
Laugh from your belly.
Smile with your eyes.
Talk with your hands.
Love with your heart.
Live with your soul.
...and don't let a moment slip by unembraced.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Running...
So for most of my life I feel I've been running, running away from things. That's been okay for awhile, but now approaching 24 and feeling the inner fire I have to get out into the world more than ever I realize I can not get going when the going gets tough instead I have to know when to go and when to push through. I have learned that there are some things in this life that will not change, circumstances that are meant to be and that one would be wasting more energy on fighting than accepting. Ive also realized that there are some circumstances that should not be accepted and some that can be fought through and simply walked away from and that's okay.
We all have circumstances in our life that we do not like, ones we hate and most likely have been spending a great deal of time fighting most of our lives...what if we simply accepted them and moved on to another part of our lives that would make us fulfilled?
I'm sure we have all heard the term "you can't have it all" I firmly believe this is true. There are moments in this life where we can chose to sacrifice a little bit of one thing for another. We have to make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. Are we making a sacrifice now for an investment in the future? Are we sacrificing our happiness for the happiness of someone we love....and if so are they deserving? I firmly believe that it's our own choices, everyone one of us makes those decisions everyday - sacrifice the 5 minutes you could be on time to work to enjoy a cup of coffee - and that is fine but one has to be sure that what they are sacrificing is truly what they want.
Oddly, right now I'm watching "The Devil Wears Prada" -excellent movie... two of the main characters choose to sacrifice their family life for their career, for both it takes a horrible toll on them but one chooses to live with her choice and continue to sacrifice while the other chooses to turn around and sacrifice her career for her family life. There can always be a balance but the point I'm trying to make is that we make our own choices and we chose what we sacrifice and in turn must live with them. We can't always run and we can't always fight. Our life must become a compromise between fight, flight, and acceptance. What we chose, what we do, what we let go, and what we pursue are all our own choices.
We all have circumstances in our life that we do not like, ones we hate and most likely have been spending a great deal of time fighting most of our lives...what if we simply accepted them and moved on to another part of our lives that would make us fulfilled?
I'm sure we have all heard the term "you can't have it all" I firmly believe this is true. There are moments in this life where we can chose to sacrifice a little bit of one thing for another. We have to make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. Are we making a sacrifice now for an investment in the future? Are we sacrificing our happiness for the happiness of someone we love....and if so are they deserving? I firmly believe that it's our own choices, everyone one of us makes those decisions everyday - sacrifice the 5 minutes you could be on time to work to enjoy a cup of coffee - and that is fine but one has to be sure that what they are sacrificing is truly what they want.
Oddly, right now I'm watching "The Devil Wears Prada" -excellent movie... two of the main characters choose to sacrifice their family life for their career, for both it takes a horrible toll on them but one chooses to live with her choice and continue to sacrifice while the other chooses to turn around and sacrifice her career for her family life. There can always be a balance but the point I'm trying to make is that we make our own choices and we chose what we sacrifice and in turn must live with them. We can't always run and we can't always fight. Our life must become a compromise between fight, flight, and acceptance. What we chose, what we do, what we let go, and what we pursue are all our own choices.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Once...
... in awhile we are overcome with such emotion and strength it changes everything. Yesterday I went on a hike up in Rockland county with two wonderful people. They are pretty experienced hikers and know what they are doing, me...not so much. I just know I love being outside and being free so I tagged along. Keep in mind I have a twisted knee, horribly loose sneakers, asthma and been getting dizzy spells and now I have to climb up lots of vertical rocks ha! Within the first five minutes my body was hurting but when some of the trees cleared and I saw the first view...
I said, "there is nothing that will prevent me from getting to the top". The further and further I climbed my body just gave in and the pain just went away, it was still challenging trying to climb knowing putting your foot in the wrong spot would end it all...but also how amazing. There were also bears and coyotes there but luckily this time we only encountered deer and turkey buzzards ha. By the time I reached the peak I was sweaty, covered in dirt out of breath and very surprised I hadn't fallen and broken my neck. The view from the top was incredible...
I layed on a rock and watched the birds fly below us because we were higher than the birds. I had a great feeling of calm and I smiled and like a mess started to cry. How could I not? I just climbed a mountain! So many things were affirmed for me in that moment and not by myself by something else, something telling me to just stop trying to control everything, let go and just let the wind take my life where it wants to. That all this love all this pain all this healing is not in vain and everything will be fine.
It was like a weight was lifted off my soul up there and brought me an inner peace. My body is sore today but my soul feels wonderful. I understand that I'm an intense person that requires very special people to understand me and that's okay. I know it's okay to let people in now, I have no room for those in my life who try to hurt or manipulate me only those who love to hear me laugh and make me smile. I know what I want in this life. I think I've always known. I'm a rare girl that's for sure and I think I need to travel, climb and lay on many rocks on many peaks and settle with a house in the woods with nothing but trees for miles and listen to good music and the trees blowing and when I can the voices of those I love most, because if there is one thing is this life I know its that the things you love can disappear fast, you must rely on yourself. Everything is bonus and that's okay.
I have a lot of love to give those I care about and I'm done keeping it all inside.
I cry hard, fight hard, love hard and live hard, I live on the borderline.
I said, "there is nothing that will prevent me from getting to the top". The further and further I climbed my body just gave in and the pain just went away, it was still challenging trying to climb knowing putting your foot in the wrong spot would end it all...but also how amazing. There were also bears and coyotes there but luckily this time we only encountered deer and turkey buzzards ha. By the time I reached the peak I was sweaty, covered in dirt out of breath and very surprised I hadn't fallen and broken my neck. The view from the top was incredible...
It was like a weight was lifted off my soul up there and brought me an inner peace. My body is sore today but my soul feels wonderful. I understand that I'm an intense person that requires very special people to understand me and that's okay. I know it's okay to let people in now, I have no room for those in my life who try to hurt or manipulate me only those who love to hear me laugh and make me smile. I know what I want in this life. I think I've always known. I'm a rare girl that's for sure and I think I need to travel, climb and lay on many rocks on many peaks and settle with a house in the woods with nothing but trees for miles and listen to good music and the trees blowing and when I can the voices of those I love most, because if there is one thing is this life I know its that the things you love can disappear fast, you must rely on yourself. Everything is bonus and that's okay.
I have a lot of love to give those I care about and I'm done keeping it all inside.
I cry hard, fight hard, love hard and live hard, I live on the borderline.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
How do you know...
...when it's time to let someone in your life go? Every culture, civilization, has created works around heartache, loss... why? because it's a feeling so powerful, so consuming that sometimes the only thing one can do is channel it into creating something else just to release it from themselves. How do we know when its time to walk away from a person or situation?
The answer isnt as easy as saying "because you aren't happy" when we create a bond with another person we give them part of ourselves, sometimes we hold on to memories, good times, love. How do we focus on the present and the reality of where the relationship stands, that it's crumbled to ruins? How does one to know whether to pick up the pieces and try to reassemble whats left or walk away and accept what once was wonderful is now lost to the dust?
The reality is that two people have to be into saving the relationship, friendship, team, the same amount. One can not be in more than the other, it simply won't work. You must believe they are worth it, why are you holding on? Do you truly see a future, or do you see a past you admire and just want to hold on to? Has the way you've treated this person changed? Have you started to give up on them, degrade them?
I think friendships, and relationships should add to our happiness, nothing else. I'm coming to realize if they don't maybe they shouldn't be around anymore. You should never have to lie to friends, family, significant others...and if you find yourself doing so maybe they shouldn't be in your life any longer. You should never have to be afraid of asking a question or compromise who you are.
There are some things that make relationships of all sorts irreparable. For everyone it's different. I feel you need to decide if you're in one that can be repaired, one that's worth repairing or one that needs a rest for awhile. In this life, most of us won't be thinking about the homes we owned, the shoes we bought or the clothes we wore we'll be thinking about the times we laughed, the friends and lovers we held on to tightly and the ones we let fall to ruins and I truly believe when we take our last breath we want to believe we made the right choices.
The answer isnt as easy as saying "because you aren't happy" when we create a bond with another person we give them part of ourselves, sometimes we hold on to memories, good times, love. How do we focus on the present and the reality of where the relationship stands, that it's crumbled to ruins? How does one to know whether to pick up the pieces and try to reassemble whats left or walk away and accept what once was wonderful is now lost to the dust?
The reality is that two people have to be into saving the relationship, friendship, team, the same amount. One can not be in more than the other, it simply won't work. You must believe they are worth it, why are you holding on? Do you truly see a future, or do you see a past you admire and just want to hold on to? Has the way you've treated this person changed? Have you started to give up on them, degrade them?
I think friendships, and relationships should add to our happiness, nothing else. I'm coming to realize if they don't maybe they shouldn't be around anymore. You should never have to lie to friends, family, significant others...and if you find yourself doing so maybe they shouldn't be in your life any longer. You should never have to be afraid of asking a question or compromise who you are.
There are some things that make relationships of all sorts irreparable. For everyone it's different. I feel you need to decide if you're in one that can be repaired, one that's worth repairing or one that needs a rest for awhile. In this life, most of us won't be thinking about the homes we owned, the shoes we bought or the clothes we wore we'll be thinking about the times we laughed, the friends and lovers we held on to tightly and the ones we let fall to ruins and I truly believe when we take our last breath we want to believe we made the right choices.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
525,600 minutes...
There's a phrase I've been finding myself saying a lot lately, which is, "wow, how life changes in a year". I've been saying it to my friends, family and to myself. In fact I've said this phrase throughout my life. I have this habit of thinking where my life was a year previous and find myself in disbelief how much is different.
Where were you this time last year in your life? Who was there who isn't there anymore? Where you in love, depressed, happy? How are things different now? I bet sometimes when you think it over you will realize how much those 525,600 minutes count. The lessons you've learned, the things you thought you would never get through and now barely remember. The things that still hurt...
I'm at a very different place than where I was last year, I never thought I'd be where I am in my life, feeling the way I feel about certain people, with some new people, and without others I never thought I'd lose. Part of me didnt even know if I would make it this far. But alas, I have and I have learned a few things...
People come, people go - Friendships, lovers, family members... and it's okay. Those people you thought would always be there are no longer. Sometimes we can't help it, death takes someone because it was their time and you just have to hold on to the memories you have with them and learn from them. What about those who are no longer around but still living, is it better without them and if not what are you waiting for to go and embrace them?
You can't live in a memory - Sometimes we hold on to something for so long because of a beautiful memory. Yes, you always have that thought but you can't live there. If you do the opportunity to make other memories slips away with every passing moment.
Every relationship is a risk - By relationship I'm not even necessarily speaking of romantic ones, anytime you enter into a relationship with another person you are opening yourself up to hurt. Its a scary thought but think of the things you will miss out on if you stay closed off because of the possibility of getting hurt. Are there plenty of people who will hurt us? Yes. However some people are worth the risk, some people that hurt you are worth hurting for, sticking around and working through. Others, maybe not but then take that hurt, let it pass and realize your better for the experience and learned from it.
You always have a choice - You chose who you let in, whom you keep in and who no longer fits in your life.
It's okay to cry and laugh - They are your emotions and you are entitled to them.
Not everyone is going to understand you - Only you understand yourself fully, its who you decide to let in that matters, will they always understand you? No, but those that are willing may still give you unconditional love.
Nothing is always someone else's fault, or your own - like it or not every action has a reaction, its about forgiveness and being able to move forward.
Think before you act and react - things may not always be what they seem and sometimes you may say something that hurts someone so deep you can never take it back.
Smile.
So when your upset and wondering what you have done in your life or in such an rut you feel you may never get out of it just ask yourself...where was I 525,600 minutes ago? Who gave me the most wonderful memories? How can I embrace them? and how can I move forward?...and don't forget to smile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tCd7SKBDYg
Where were you this time last year in your life? Who was there who isn't there anymore? Where you in love, depressed, happy? How are things different now? I bet sometimes when you think it over you will realize how much those 525,600 minutes count. The lessons you've learned, the things you thought you would never get through and now barely remember. The things that still hurt...
I'm at a very different place than where I was last year, I never thought I'd be where I am in my life, feeling the way I feel about certain people, with some new people, and without others I never thought I'd lose. Part of me didnt even know if I would make it this far. But alas, I have and I have learned a few things...
People come, people go - Friendships, lovers, family members... and it's okay. Those people you thought would always be there are no longer. Sometimes we can't help it, death takes someone because it was their time and you just have to hold on to the memories you have with them and learn from them. What about those who are no longer around but still living, is it better without them and if not what are you waiting for to go and embrace them?
You can't live in a memory - Sometimes we hold on to something for so long because of a beautiful memory. Yes, you always have that thought but you can't live there. If you do the opportunity to make other memories slips away with every passing moment.
Every relationship is a risk - By relationship I'm not even necessarily speaking of romantic ones, anytime you enter into a relationship with another person you are opening yourself up to hurt. Its a scary thought but think of the things you will miss out on if you stay closed off because of the possibility of getting hurt. Are there plenty of people who will hurt us? Yes. However some people are worth the risk, some people that hurt you are worth hurting for, sticking around and working through. Others, maybe not but then take that hurt, let it pass and realize your better for the experience and learned from it.
You always have a choice - You chose who you let in, whom you keep in and who no longer fits in your life.
It's okay to cry and laugh - They are your emotions and you are entitled to them.
Not everyone is going to understand you - Only you understand yourself fully, its who you decide to let in that matters, will they always understand you? No, but those that are willing may still give you unconditional love.
Nothing is always someone else's fault, or your own - like it or not every action has a reaction, its about forgiveness and being able to move forward.
Think before you act and react - things may not always be what they seem and sometimes you may say something that hurts someone so deep you can never take it back.
Smile.
So when your upset and wondering what you have done in your life or in such an rut you feel you may never get out of it just ask yourself...where was I 525,600 minutes ago? Who gave me the most wonderful memories? How can I embrace them? and how can I move forward?...and don't forget to smile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tCd7SKBDYg
Friday, August 6, 2010
I don't think I literally need a bucket, right?
I've heard about people making something called a "bucket list", a list of things to do before they die. I've heard it's suppose to be about 100 things. Given more recent events I've decided to try and make one. Not a list of 100 things though. Truth is I had trouble coming up with 12! So why make one and put it on my blog? Well, I think part of me feels like if I put it one here I'll be more tied to it. I've always had these ideas in my head I guess not I'm just putting it down in writing. So... one would think that I would know how to do this haha but I don't. I don't really have them in any particular order...are they suppose to be? Oi...what a mess haha. So, at this point in my life I really have these 12 main goals. I guess as time goes on more may develop. I think they will. I do have this book titled 1000 Things to See before you Die. It's a good book but holy hell unrealistic bucket list! See there is a danger with that list...a 1000 things! who the heck has all the money for that? Not to mention isnt there a danger with trying to accomplish 1000 things? I guess one may spend their time trying to get 1000 things done insteas of thouroughly experiencing certain things...and yes its a book with quite a few good ideas but why would I live someone elses bucket list?
This being said... here is my bucket list...not 100 long, or in any particular order.... ha.
1. African Safari - I've always had a love for animals and nature and one continent that truly is beautiful and known for both is Africa. Plus that continent has a mysticism to it, despite the unfortunate circumstances that plague the countries within.
2. Master Yoga - I love yoga, it provides me with a wonderful peace and serenity within my own body. I'd love to become almost flawless in practice.
3. Spend a month living in an old Irish castle. They have them to rent you know? And really not as expensive as you might think. :)
4. Write a book. Not sure on what yet... but like I said in my first blog....I have things to say :D
5. Get on stage and sing. See, I can sing, pretty well, I just have horrendous stage fright.
6. Start a charity of some sort. I like helping people and I think it would be great to create an organization to do so.
7. Travel to see the Pyramids of Giza - I've always had a fascination with Ancient Egypt and being a history major how could I not go see the place I've been drawn to since childhood?
8. Piggybacking on Egypt and Historical themes I'd like to become fluent in
9. Travel to see the ruins of the Mesoamerican Civilizations.
10. Master the bow & arrow and sniper rifle....what? I like weapons..besides I'm a Sagittarius, really I should know the bow and arrow hehe.
11. Invest in an historical home (obv to live in) that I can fix up and restore. I love old homes they feel real, lived in, with substance. They have their own personalities.
12. Have two large beautiful gardens, one for flowers and one for vegetables. There's nothing like growing your own food. Plus it's cheaper :)
I'm sure in time I may add things but for now I think those are some wonderful things to look forward to.
This being said... here is my bucket list...not 100 long, or in any particular order.... ha.
1. African Safari - I've always had a love for animals and nature and one continent that truly is beautiful and known for both is Africa. Plus that continent has a mysticism to it, despite the unfortunate circumstances that plague the countries within.
2. Master Yoga - I love yoga, it provides me with a wonderful peace and serenity within my own body. I'd love to become almost flawless in practice.
3. Spend a month living in an old Irish castle. They have them to rent you know? And really not as expensive as you might think. :)
4. Write a book. Not sure on what yet... but like I said in my first blog....I have things to say :D
5. Get on stage and sing. See, I can sing, pretty well, I just have horrendous stage fright.
6. Start a charity of some sort. I like helping people and I think it would be great to create an organization to do so.
7. Travel to see the Pyramids of Giza - I've always had a fascination with Ancient Egypt and being a history major how could I not go see the place I've been drawn to since childhood?
8. Piggybacking on Egypt and Historical themes I'd like to become fluent in
- Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphs
- Arabic
- French
- German
9. Travel to see the ruins of the Mesoamerican Civilizations.
10. Master the bow & arrow and sniper rifle....what? I like weapons..besides I'm a Sagittarius, really I should know the bow and arrow hehe.
11. Invest in an historical home (obv to live in) that I can fix up and restore. I love old homes they feel real, lived in, with substance. They have their own personalities.
12. Have two large beautiful gardens, one for flowers and one for vegetables. There's nothing like growing your own food. Plus it's cheaper :)
I'm sure in time I may add things but for now I think those are some wonderful things to look forward to.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Life on the Borderline
hmmm.... so I've decided to jump on the blog bandwagon for a few reasons;
By the way- Yes, I believe in grammar. Yes, I know proper grammar. However, there are many times I just chose not to use it. Why? Because life isn't about punctuation.
- I'm at a point in my life where I'm doing a lot of growing, I'm learning life lessons, skills and things about myself that I never thought I would. I would like to share it in a place where it's impossible to be interrupted mid-sentence...well unless my computer crashes in which case some of my newly learned skills will come in handy.
- I like to write, writing has always been good to me... I can see my thoughts and this is quite beneficial to someone who has had more than the recommended encounters with foot-in-mouth syndrome.
- Its nice to see how people think, feel and express themselves in a world slowly being overcome by such hustle and bustle. If you think about the past few weeks, days even....can you tell them apart? Or are they all smooshed together like one big day...i.e...alarm goes off, you shower, get dressed, check fb on your smartphone, drive to grab your coffee, curse traffic, arrive at work or school, sigh through the day, eat lunch, feel guilty about whatever choice you made for lunch, drive home....again cursing traffic and the traffic jams and wondering where all those cars miraculously go when the traffic opens...get home...exhausted...eat again, perhaps have the pleasure of seeing loved ones...again check facebook, dread the following day, sleep, AND repeat. Sometimes we have the pleasure of looking forward to a trip or get together and that's wonderful however I'm slowly realizing that one day if I'm blessed enough to make it to old age I don't want to look back and see one...long...smooshed day with sprinkles of fun. I don't want to spend time at jobs I despise, I don't want stress from traffic to take years off my life and I don't want spend my time obsessing over past events or worrying about the future. Why? because I can't live there, I can't go back and I can't catapult into the future. I can live now, in this moment.
By the way- Yes, I believe in grammar. Yes, I know proper grammar. However, there are many times I just chose not to use it. Why? Because life isn't about punctuation.
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